found it

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no more amusing titleszz.

i let fall many things that made me angry. most were small things. some things, quite big, too big for me to do anything.

taking God out of the picture (i [(very lame excuse}"-ly tried] , i really can't do anything.

choice made: to take God out of the picture. not that He suddenly vanished or ceased to exist or whatever. but it was a conscious decision that i continued throughout those awful periods of " yeah, i'm strong enough to do this myself. "

and coming out from it,
it makes me feel superduper dumb.

it's been quite awhile since the last such (abovementioned type of thing) but , not thaaat long.

and i hope really really, that the next time i am tempted to, i'd recognised that the temptation is not the sin itself but falling into it and saying to myself " ah, heck. who cares about whatever i said, let me do this my own way, my own choices. bah " is.

and. the best time that's been, this year is actually the whole of the year thus far.

acjc's principal, very unlike mrs lee bee yann, in every way, not bad though, asked us today : what we have learnt from this academic year.

i thought as first, ha. nothing. this year has so many maaaany regrets i sometimes want to believe that it's all a pseudo year or something, that it really doesnt exist and it accounts for nothing in my future, or present.

then, during chinese lesson, the last chinese lesson i'll ever have in this life, it came back to me, ahh. lame lame. but it did.

and while our favourite stuffedmonkey/black stockings/chopped hair/i'm being mean here/forever-in-a-thick-cloud-of-expired-perfume-you-can-see-it huffed around, staring ( yep! her signature thing ) i learnt i learnt alot.

yep.

for one, expecting teachers to be as they were in Crescent is really unrealistic and if you even kept that dream to the very last day of JC1, like me, you'll learn this too.

so yeah. i learnt to learn.

to learn that learning is more of a "learn-ING" than "learNT", "duh" as it may sound.

i sighed.

well, it's comforting having met alex at A3.06 for the OP try-out and having her tell me exactly what i just realised just today.

it's been humthaming me the whole time in this region right above my neck and right through the region below the aorta for this whole zzzzzzzz year.

i must have been deceived.

okay. i admit!

this is lame to the nth degree, but i'm abit ( abit only ) relieved that it's come to a resolution.

shizzzz.

sheeessh.

have you been deceived?

it sucks.

:(

i wish ( so many things )
but the best thing that's happened to me today, is getting the answer !

being lost is like, . . . .eurgh

this is life they say.

( but you choose who to listen to )

eww!

"they" , HAHA. i love how karyn never lets you off.

eg:

me: you know, alot of ppl also told me
kare: who are the ppl?
me: name1,name2,name3,ya, and then name2 also told name4 about it after telling me.
kare: so, name1,2and3 only? is that so many?
me: ah, but there's ... also, like, (get's shocked that actually there isn't "so many" )
me: ahh, nevermind
kare: no, don't end with nevermind
me: escape1) distract
escape2) try to reason
escape3) ohh karrryyyn! but.. haizz..

okay it didnt turn out quite that clear, but the point is, things are never as they seem!
search for truth instead of "yeah maybe".

learnt.

bye.

11:49 - 26.10.07

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